Heres my idea for a Father Ted sequel. Ive written a few scripts - a total of six employing some new characters.
Its all for fun and I thought, why not place it here. Hey! Its off topic
Ted made it to the states and took his golden cleric which made him a fortune and set him up for life.
Dougal was meant to have joined him but wouldn’t travel by air. He had previously watched the movie – Transformers, and was now paranoid about “tings in the air”. Ted sent him a cheque and a message, “follow your dreams” which he did. He travelled by sea to “Inland Island”(population 12) where a warehouse stocked roller blades. Rumour has it - he now lives in the old ruined church and offers a free blessing to each pair of roller blades sold.
Jack simply disappeared (after receiving the cheque from Ted).
Mrs Doyal returned to her family’s cottage and used Ted’s generosity to set up her own business – The Perfect Cup of Tea in a box shaped like a cake.
The replacements. (Rip)
Father Harold Capstick (48), Father Dwayne Mince (27) and aging Father Mack Axe(92)took over the house for approx 8 months. Mrs Doyals daughter – Sissy – took over the role of tea making. Sissy loves baking horrid pies and puddings – some of which explode.
An incident occurred where Father Axe spontaneously combusted after consuming too much linseed oil. Father Mince was struck by lightning whilst roller blading near some scaffolding and Father Capstick dropped dead at a funeral.
The new comers.Father Ned Crilley
(40) – Teds younger brother.
Ned spent years residing on “the Island”, a remote place south of “the mainland” housing convicts. After a freak meteor storm hit the islands lucky horse everyone fled claiming the island was cursed. Ned was relocated to Craggy Island.Father Damien O Marr
(25) – Neds partner in crime who was caught “in the horrid wrath” upon “the Island”. Sometimes glows in the dark after previously collecting too many meteorites. Loves roller blading, horses (misses Betty the lucky horse), wanted to be a fireman (but developed a water phobia after watching a horror film with fog and pirates in it). Fascinated with outer space and aliens.Father Gerald Bells
plays the part of the aging priest in the first episode. Loves his drink and puffing on his pipe. Took part in WW2. The incident on "the Island" left him requiring surgery to is face.Father Ned
Written by Mark Cooper 2012The Bog Man of Craggy Island
Act 1: The road to nowhere.
EXT (view)Early evening, misty, rain.
A wet, sodden field full of cows his led by the farmer back to the barn. Farmer is eating his soaked cheese sandwiches (they flop in his hand). Part of his meal falls into the field and the farmer picks it up looking very excited by rescuing it.
Ahhh, Cheese...my favourite.He makes it to the field gate as he witnesses a car approaching, pulling a caravan – head lights on full. As the Farmer pulls out another cheese sandwich from his pocket the car whizzes past covering the farmer in mud & water. The farmer shakes his head & uses the sandwich to wipe his eyes.Farmer:
Fecking Priests.We view the farmer from behind as he lifts one hand in the direction of the speeding car, and see a single finger salute being waved. He then returns to his soiled cheese sandwiches, crunching as he chews. The cattle burst into amusing mooing noises followed by one cows behind hurling fresh dung towards the farmer.
INT(view) of car
Ned with cigarette in mouth looks miserable as he drives the car.. Damien is dancing to some music playing from his walkman. Father Bells is asleep snoring loudly behind Ned.
Are we there yet Ned?Ned:
Now looking angry)
No Damien! Give me the map.Damien:
Right you are Ned, here you go.
Damien passes the map to Ned which ends up in his face forcing the car into the hedge. Father Bells remains asleep with only the odd change to his snoring indicating he nearly woke up or died.
Ned pulls the map from his face and hurls the crushed cigarette out of the window. We see him looking at a map displaying a green blob with a single long road along it. Neds ciggie has burnt an hole in the map.Ned:
Damien! Try to be more careful! We could have been killed!Damien:
(removing his earphones)
What is it with this place? We’ve been driving for fecking hours along this road.Damien:
(Trying to look clever)
But have we Ned?Ned gives Damien one of his puzzled and bewildered looks.Ned:
Its got to be around here somewhere.Damien:
Ned, oh Ned, I have the answer...Ned.
Why not ask that man for directionsNed:
Damien don’t talk so silly, where in the middle of nowhere.We now see a happy looking Damien and shocked Ned staring straight ahead.
We then see a man getting up off the ground and blocking our view of the car.
There you go Ned. (Returning to his music.)Ned:
Oh God! Oh Fecking Christ, what have I done?
The figure begins to approach the car as Ned panics and fumbles with the ignition.
Giving up he then shrieks in terror realising his door window is open. We now view the scene from behind the man in the road. Everything is now in slow motion as the figure gets closer and closer. Ned struggles with the car window as Damien is dancing to his music.Man in the road:
(seen from behind)
Good evening Father, where are you heading.Ned:
(look of terror)
Im terribly sorry sir, I didn’t see you, please it was an accident.Man in the Road:
(we now only see his rotten teeth as he speaks)
Oh don’t worry Father. That frigging bull got me again.Ned:
(confused and nervous)
Oh, erm, right you are...
Man in the Road:
(seen from behind again)
You`ll be looking for the new lodgings then. We have been expecting you father.The crackle of thunder can be heard further ahead as we are now shown the mans bloodshot eyes. Ned is speechless and looks terrified as he nods nervously.
We now see the man’s muddy hand reach into the car and issue a long nailed finger which points at the map leaving stains upon it.Man in the road:
See that hole on the map Father. That’s where you need to be, about a mile ahead. But beware for a terrible beast lurks our blessed Island.We see Neds terrified face nod and then nervously smile. We then see the man’s soiled mouth smile revealing his rotten teeth again. Thunder and lightening erupt briefly catching Neds attention, when he turns back to the man no one is there.We now view the car from the other side of the road as it wheel spins into action dragging the caravan with it. Ned doesn’t realise the man is now clinging to his caravan. ACT 2:
The house.The travelling priests finally spot the house. We see Ned just catch site of it ahead. He presses on the brakes bringing the car and caravan to a halt. We hear another figure scream as it flies into a nearby field.Ned:
Damien we have found the house. Father Gerald wake up.Damien:
Ned, Ned are we there yet...Ned?
We now see the car and caravan turn off the road and hear Neds voice.Ned:
YES!We now view a camera shot from the main gate as the car and caravan drive towards the house. A man can be heard moaning out of shot.
At the front door to the house Ned, Damien and Gerald can be seen cowering from the rain as they rush into the house. Poor father Gerald is pushed back outside.
Ned: ( to Father Gerald )
Get the luggage Father.Father Gerald’s trousers come loose.
Right! Where are my roller blades?The scene cuts to a distant shot of the house, lights being turn on and curtains closed. The Storm gets worse. A worried figure is seen limping and moaning towards the entrance to the grounds. The figure points at something on the road (out of shot) and screams, “NO!” The figure then hurries away.ACT 3:
BreakfastDaylight. The last of the rain is long gone. The road is now empty and ahead the house stands in silence. A local on a SQUEAKY bike rides past as a speaker sounds.
“THE ROADS HAVE BEEN PUT BACK. ALL IS SAFE NOW.”In the house Ned and Damien are asleep in their beds. The ticking clock halts as the alarm sounds.
Ned shakes from his sleep, looks at the clock and sits up with a yawn. Damien rouses and glances around looking puzzled. Looking ahead of his mule themed duvet he catches sight of his feet and jumps in shock.Ned:
(scratching the back of his neck )
Damien, you have woken up, you are awake. Remember, you fell into sleep wearing your roller blades.Damien:
( relieved with shifty eyes )
Ah yes Ned of course.
What time is it Ned?Ned:
( turning to look at the clock)
11.01 in the morning.Damien:
Whats for breakfast then Ned?Ned:
Good question.Ned ponders on this as the camera slowly zooms in on his face. A-Team style music begins to play as smugness
fills Neds face.Ned:
Come Damien, lets go to work.Ned jumps out of bed leaving Damien behind. The A-team music leaves the bedroom and follows Ned. Damien looks to the bedroom door with excitement but soon his eyes dart around the room displaying a happy but confused look.Damien:
(shouting to Ned)
Ned. Ned. My feet hurt. Scene cuts to the living room. Father Bells is asleep as normal in the chair. Ned & Damien are studying a chalk board near the TV. The chalkboard displays methods of producing breakfast. Damien:
I fancy frosted flakes Ned.Ned:
No Damien! Weve already checked!Damien:
How about a lovely cup of tea then Ned.Ned:
(looking into the camera)
Oh tea, lovely tea....Scene cuts to a figure hidden behind the curtains. Miss Doyal appears with a tray, tea and cakes.
Cup of tea father?Ned:
Miss Doyal, Miss Doyal what you doing there?Miss Doyal:
Ah, Father I hid last night and waited for this moment to surprise you.
She glides over to Ned offering her tea. Ned gulps it down.Miss Doyal:
My Mammy taught me all the tricks of the trade Father.Damien:
What’s for breakfast then Ned.Scene cuts to Ned, Damien and Gerald sat eating breakfast. Platters of sausage, bacon, mushrooms and trays of baked beans, tomatoes and black sausage face them. Miss Doyal is floating around so pleased at feeding the Fathers.Miss Doyal:
More Tea Father?Ned:
Ah yes!Miss Doyal produces another cup of hot tea and pinches Neds shoulder with lust. Miss Doyal:
There you go father...Priest of the month.Miss Doyal then walks away still facing Neds back with looks of excitement and heart felt desire.Ned:
Oh thank you Miss Doyal.Damien:
Whats it like to be Priest of the Month then Ned?Ned:
Oh, what are you going on about Damien.Damien pulls out a magazine from inside his clothing. The Mag displays a title: Hot Faith. The front page displays a island in trouble with a caption: The Priests made it!. Ned reads it in disbelief. Ned:
Damien its time you stopped reading such things.
Ned stops as he reads a column where a fan club has developed in his name upon craggy Island. A distant howling moan is heard outside.
2 B continued.
P.S: someone dies in this episode...yikes!